Im at strip club and am horny
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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