Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
