I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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