don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
