all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
