Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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