he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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