I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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