Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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