it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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