My friends, they love my intelligence
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
