Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Randomize