so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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