I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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