Already got asked if we're dating
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
