Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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