They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
