nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
