dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
