i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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