OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize