Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
