I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
