I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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