HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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