Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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