why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
