life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
