sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Alive.
So much puke
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
