I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We had to coat check the pizza.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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