If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
