I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
