He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
