Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
there is puke in my bra ... again
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