No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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