Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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