He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He better not be in your backpack
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
