I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
