I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
