I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
