I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
