dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
