I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
