Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
