If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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