OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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