Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
