Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
you will always have a special place in my vag
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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