My first STD was from a foam party
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize