How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
All the doctor said was why
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
