i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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