I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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