I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
