I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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