I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
