So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
