I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
