nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
